Chewing the Fat

I just finished reading a book by the actress Portia de Rossi that documented her life while she was battling an eating disorder.  I loved the honesty of the book, and it really got me to thinking that so many people....in one level of extremity or another....battle a type of eating disorder.
God intended for us to ENJOY our food, to enjoy the bounties that he intended for us.  So, how do we become so obsessed with these bounties that they take over so much of our thoughts, and our lives?  I remembering being 12 years old, and thinking "I'm so fat, I need to go on a diet."   I remember being 13 or so and going in the grocery store and buying the over-the-counter dexatrim.   That was just the beginning of my obsession with weight gain.  I'm sure that I had heard my mother and my aunts discuss dieting, and the media has been obsessed with being THIN since as long as I can remember, so maybe that's how it got so stuck in my head.  By 15, I had been prescribed a very strong diet pill called Obenix, I was doing workout tapes, and running on the country roads surrounding my house.  By 17 years old, I had a FULL BLOWN eating disorder, and this pretty much consumed by life and views on food till I was around 25 or so.  Everything that I did centered around being thin.  I was on a constant search for a new miracle diet, a new miracle drug to help me become thinner.  I recall going to a bariatric clinic in Birmingham, and starting this diet that required me to eat packets of soup and shakes.  They tasted HORRIBLE, and instead of eating them, I decided just not to eat at all.  This method obviously didn't work and I found myself with no energy and near collapse.  I won't go into all the details of my eating disorder, but let's just say that it was NOT pretty.  It was bad enough that all my friends were taking notice, and that my mother had arranged for me to see a therapist.  Therapy did NOT work for me either.  I need to also mention that I had no reason at this time to worry about my weight, but in my head, I needed to lose tons!
So, where did the eating disorder stop for me?  To be truthful, I don't think that it ever did.  I just developed a new way to handle or NOT handle it.  I had always been into working out and exercising, but I learned more and got my certification in personal training and nutrition.  I figured that if I worked as a mentor for other people, that somehow I would be helping myself too.  For a while, this worked, and it definitely helped to further my education on how to manage my weight.

The purpose of this blog post is NOT to talk to you so much about my eating disorder, but to talk more about WHY we  are so obsessed with food in the first place.  Why do we have to eat till we are sick to our stomachs and then feel guilty.  Why do we feel that we have to eat only tasteless, low caloric foods in order to stay the way that we feel we need to look?  We, as a society, and especially women in general, have poisoned our own minds against food so much that we don't know how to eat anymore.  It seems like common sense that we can eat what we want as long as we do it within moderation.  SO, why is moderation so hard?  Is it because we deny ourselves certain foods so often that when we do finally allow ourselves to have that 'forbidden' food that we just can't put it down because we don't know when we might be able to have it again?  Do we all play that trick on ourselves where a few days before we start a new diet we say to ourselves:  "I'm just going to go ahead and eat whatever I want and as much of it as I want because I'm starting this diet on Monday."? Then, worse case scenario, we don't end up starting the diet on Monday and then we just consumed all those calories and will probably do the same again with the intention to start the diet the NEXT Monday.
I wonder how it would REALLY work if we ate what we wanted and learned to just do it in proportion?  If we stopped thinking about food all the time, and just ate when we were hungry, would it work?  Is our mind stronger than our urge to binge?  Can we stop the constant DIEt and learn to LIVEit?  I, personally am tired of the protein diet, the cabbage soup diet, the slim-fast shakes, the starvation diet, etc.  I want to be HEALTHY, but I also want to feel GOOD about myself in a bathing suit.  I want to ENJOY eating, but not OVEReating.   So, is there a good balance that I can find and stick to it?  I think that one of my biggest obstacles to overcome is eating when I'm not even hungry.  This particularly happens to me late at night, when I'm lying in bed reading and decide that a snack sounds good.   I need to learn to really LISTEN to my body and HEAR what it needs.  I'm going to take my blog on my journey of Eating to Live instead of Living to Eat.  This may end up comical at times, and sad at others, but I'd like to see where this takes me.  Maybe I can find that healthy balance that I have searched for all my life, and maybe in the process, I can help someone else too!  Put on your seatbelts (with extenders if you need them) and get ready for a wild, cellulite riddled, body chiseled ride!!!!

The Camel and the Eye of the needle

“I tell you the truth, it is hard for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven. Again I tell you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God.” Matthew 19:23-24

This verse in the Bible has always been intriguing to me.   People tend to think that rich people have relatively no problems, and that life is so simple for them.  I'm sure that having loads of money can take certain stressors out of your life....such as paying bills, buying necessities, etc.  But in the end, can loads of money really make you HAPPY?  Are RICH people happier than the average or poor?  I'm not so sure about that.  I think that it would be easier to lose your purpose in life, and to feel worthless once you have reached a certain level of wealth.  There are only so many things that you want to buy, and there is only so much time that you want to travel, and then what?  I believe that the reason that people like Bill Gates and other multi-millionaires don't quit their day jobs is because --WHAT would they do then?"
I've always thought that if I won the lottery or made MILLIONS that I would of course buy a few things that we all dream of owning, but then I would LOVE to travel the world and HELP people and animals (yes, I have a soft spot for animals!).  I wonder if other people think the same thing till they get all that money and then they just become greedy.  I wonder if that is what the Bible means when it says that it is easier for the camel to go through the eye of a needle than a rich man to enter the Kingdom of God.  Does money do something to people's hearts to turn them hard?  I'm SURE that the rich get tired of people constantly hounding them for money, I know that I would.  I would prefer to decide what to do with my money and use it for what I considered the greater good, and I would be sick and tired of people telling me where I should put it, or do with it.  Is this what happens?  Do people just get so sick of  random people claiming to be relatives, and fair weather friends that all of a sudden show up on their door with their hands out that they just decide that they aren't going to give ANY more money away?  I could see how that could happen.

I have known people that were wealthy that seemed to create their own problems.  Maybe they were so bored because they didn't have to do anything but wake up every day...so they invented issues.  I knew this one guy that had the world at his fingertips...loving family, tons of money, good looks, etc, but he developed such a strong drug addiction that eventually it was his total demise.

Another example is of the ultra rich celebrities that are caught shoplifting (when they can afford anything they want), or they get a DUI (When they could easily hire a driver).  It just seems that sometimes vasts amounts of money can lead to a total collapse of certain people's morals and level headed thinking.

So, all that being said, is that what the Bible means by the main statement of this post?  Does it simply mean that money corrupts and darkens most hearts?  In my humble opinion, here are the reasons that VAST amounts of money CAN be harmful:
1.  It takes away the purpose of people,,,,it makes them feel useless.  They no longer need to get up and go to work, or clean their house or take care of their child, or anything else.  They can simply pay someone else to do it for them.  Then it leaves that person with ALOT of empty time on their hands.
2.  The rich get a hardened heart because they feel that they are constantly being taken advantage of, and they feel that everyone is standing in front of them with their handout, so they decide that they will give NOTHING away anymore.
3.  Perhaps having this much money and power makes people think that they are above others, and above God.  They are so accustomed to people bowing down to them in this world that they feel that they shouldn't bow to anyone.  They keep looking for ways to fill the empty hole within them with alcohol, drugs, expensive cars-clothes-jewelry, etc, and they don't even realize that the hole can only be filled by the one and ONLY true and loving GOD.

I can definitely SEE how Money could be the root of all evil, but I also believe that there are GOOD, God Loving, rich people as well.  I think that it's all about what you have in your heart and what you choose to do with your life as well as your wallet.
I know that from this post it sounds like money would just make me miserable...however, I would LOVE the opportunity to prove me WRONG!  :)
You have it in writing here...if I ever have MILLIONS of dollars, then I'm going to help people with it.  I VERY WELL may have a sign on the front door of my house saying "Do NOT ask me for money or I'll tell you NO," just to keep from being bombarded, but I would help too!  I promise that if I ever get a real chance,,,that I will do good things.  If I never get the chance to do big things with my wallet, then I will just do good things with my time!

When is Enough....ENOUGH?

You know, it's amazing what a big effect that your words can have on someone.  Whether good or bad, the things that we say TO someone or ABOUT someone can really affect them in a huge way.  It's even worse when someone that is suppose to love you and be there for you says hateful things about you.  It's so simple when you think about it....just DON'T say hurtful things....but we ALL do it every day.    Nothing is worse however, than when we find out that those that we hold in high regard, and love are saying hateful things behind our backs.   I often find myself in turmoil over what to do about certain people in my life that continue to hurt me in one way or another repeatedly, and most the time...purposely.  Whether the reasons are anger, jealousy, control or just plain hate that causes these people to go out of their way to say negative things about me, in the end, in my mind, it's just hurtful.   I'm in a constant struggle with myself over what to do with these people in my life.  In some cases, they are more than just your average friend, and some are family.  So, this being the case, it makes it hard to figure out what to do with them IN your life.  You love them, so cutting them completely out of your life seems harsh and even painful, but how long can you continue to take abuse?  How long do you allow these people to get away with making you feel small, useless, unimportant, etc?  I know that we are all responsible for our own lives and how we feel about our own selves, but I can't help but let the words and thoughts of someone that I love effect me.  I wish that I was a stronger, more self assured person to the point that things that people say didn't bother me.  This would certainly make life much easier!  This whole topic is something that I'm really going to have to pray about so that I can find my way.  Pretending that I don't know what is being said about me is like putting a bandaid on a gun wound.  It might cover up the site of the problem, but the wound is still there, and bleeding.  Also, these people keep thinking that they are getting away with the things that they are saying because in my attempt to keep the peace, I don't say anything.  I just keep going on about life like nothing ever happened, nothing was ever said.....so I guess in some ways that makes me a hypocrite because how can I be angry at someone speaking a lie or just something hurtful about me, when I just keep the truth to myself as well?  Confrontation for the most part, is not my thing, and in most cases when I have confronted people that have said or done negative things to me, it just makes the situation blow up bigger.  Who is to say what the right thing to do is?!  I do feel like it's time to start cleaning out my life.....pruning my tree so to speak.  I read a quote earlier that stated:  “Loving someone does not mean we need to make them a part of our life.”  This is a quote that I need to keep in mind in the days and months ahead of me.   I think that I may need to learn to love some people from a DISTANCE.  The reason for the title of this post is because I would love to know TRULY...when is enough...enough?  Wouldn't it be nice if God would just answer our questions by mail?  Until that happens, I'm going to have to go on my gut instinct and prayers.  Wish me luck.

Integrity.

I was reading my nightly devotional the other night, and the moral of the story was about integrity.  Ever since I read that passage, I have been thinking a lot about INTEGRITY as a whole, what it means, and how it applies to my life.  The meaning of integrity is:  to do the right thing, make the right choices without anyone watching.  It also means that you are the same person regardless of whose presence that you are in.  This is so much easier said than done.  I want to be a person with real integrity, but when you think about it, there's a rare few of us that have TRUE integrity.  To be honest, I think that children and adults with downs syndrome, or similar, probably have the market cornered on integrity.  Those people are always the same, always show their true heart no matter who might be around.
Think about it....are you the same person in front of your pastor/preacher/minister/rabbi, etc that you are in front of your friends?  If not, then you are putting on a false face in front of someone.
Having integrity isn't something that is easy, and it doesn't matter how simple the definition.  I believe that if you have true integrity, it's something that you work on daily, that you check yourself and remind yourself of who you are and who you want to be.  I believe that integrity is a work in action/motion, and that you just need to figure out who you REALLY are and stick to that.  If you aren't happy with the conclusion of who you are, then you can change it.  That's the great thing about FREE WILL!!
Working in Sales, I've always been proud that I could be like a chameleon.  It helps me to relate to different types of people, and let them see the type of person they want to do business with.  This practice in real life is unhealthy, and is something that I'm striving to change.  I want to make sure that the person that you see and hear when you talk to me is the same person that you see and hear no matter who is around.  Easier said than done, but changing your inside is much like dieting....your results depend on what you put in and out.  I want to be fit and healthy on the outside as well as in my heart!

OUCH

Well, we have been consistent with the diet and the gym, and let me tell you, my arms are SCREAMING from the wake-up call!  Just walking and letting them hang down by my side hurts.  It's a good hurt though because I know that I worked for it, and that I'm doing something positive for my health and my self esteem.  I'm looking forward to the day when the gym once again becomes an addiction for me instead of the part of my day that I dread.

I am not getting overly excited yet about weighing myself, so I still don't know how much I have lost.  Brian gets on the scale almost every day and says "1 or 2 more pounds today."  I just don't want to get on the scale and see that it's going slower for me and get discouraged.  I'm going to wait and weight at the end of the week and see if any of the work has paid off.   When I'm on the treadmill, bike or elliptical, I just try to remind myself how GOOD it's going to feel to get back into a pair of my old jeans! 

It's really funny when you think about it....we smile and laugh when Noah grows out of more and more clothes, and I pray and pray that I can shrink and fit back into my old ones.  One of us is getting bigger and the other is praying to get smaller!

Little OUch

Well, we finally got around to hitting the gym on Tuesday.  MAN OH MAN did I underestimate how out of shape I am.  It kicked my butt HARD when I got on the elliptical, and so did the bike (which use to be so easy for me).  I've been going very slowly with the weights so that I don't get so sore that I can't pick Noah up, or get out of the bed for that matter.  I do have a little bit of soreness, but it's nothing serious.  I have learned that I hate those dang mirrors in the gym!!!  I remember when I use to go work out and be proud to see myself in the mirror....well, lets just say that this was not the case this go around!  Please understand that I'm saying all this with a sense of humor, all of this is not meant to sound down and depressing.  I know where I am as far as fitness level and body type at THIS point, and I can giggle about it and just know that I'm working toward getting back on track.
Now, back to the mirrors in the gym, I glanced over at myself a few times, and was BLOWN away by the size of my butt!!  I mean, I KNEW it was big, but there's nothing quite like getting a view of it like you do in the gym (the bright lights, the huge mirrors!  My butt is so big right now that it is making my pants shorter!!! haha!  I'm totally not kidding.  So, yes, I have junk in the trunk.
Brian and I have also been doing the Atkins diet for about a week and a half now, and that diet does NOTHING for your energy level.  However, it's been tested by both of us before and has worked well for the both of us.  It's not something that I want to continue on long term, however, I think that it will work well as a jump start to get us on track.

I just can't WAIT to fit back into my pre-preggo jeans....to go out somewhere and FEEL like I look nice.  I don't have to look like a fitness model, but I don't want to look like Roseanne Barr either.
Anyway, I'm working on it, and that's a START!  :)

Today was a lazy day, or another one I should say.  We sat around the house and played with Noah all day.  Dad, Mandy and Isabella came by to see the baby, but other than that...the day was slow.  We are trying to get the lazy out of our system because when Monday rolls around...it's all over but the crying!  Monday is gym and diet day!  So, for supper tonight, we had Olive Garden, and tomorrow night we are going to Birmingham with friends to the Comedy club, then out to eat afterward.
The THOUGHT of getting my body back on track is exciting, however, I know that once Monday arrives, I will be dreading the new schedule.
Besides the main fact that I need to get back in shape, and eat a better diet, I have been feeling the heavy weight of discontent.  It feels like I'm missing something in my life and I'm not sure what it is yet.  It could be that once we get back on a healthy track that it will all just come together, and I hope that's the case.  However, today when I was thinking about how I was feeling and trying to figure out what it is that I'm "MISSING," I wondered if it might be church, a job, more girlfriends in the area with kids Noah's age.  I'm not sure what it is, but I know that I miss the feeling of achievement/accomplishment.  As I mentioned above, I'm just hoping and praying that things start to come together more once we begin our healthy lifestyle.  There's nothing else quite like getting your self confidence back!
I don't want this to be a 'poor me' blog, or a type of outlet that would be better saved for therapy, but this is where my journey begins. I don't feel that I can truly see my growth if I'm not honest about where I'm starting from at this point.  I hope that in the future, I can look back on this blog, from this date, and think, 'Wow, I sure came a long way!'